Things I didn’t think about before my niece was born:
1. That my grandmother would insist on telling EVERYBODY how to hold the baby, whether or not they have had children as well or given birth to a baby just the other day. Why, THIS baby as a matter of fact.
2. That, while adults will ask traditional questions about the how the baby is sleeping and how the parents are adjusting, kids will ask questions that, not only, wouldn’t you ever think of, but that make you question whether or not they’re stable enough to be allowed around the baby. For example:
When the baby grows up and it’s warm outside and your having a barbecue, will she eat chicken or ribs?
3. That after three days of missing shots because people keep walking in front of the camera, I would suddenly lash out and beat my father senseless with a tripod while screaming “SAY CHEESE!!!”
4. That I might develop a facial tic because my grandmother demands that I take a picture of the baby’s face. THE FACE. Get a close up of the FACE. Are you getting the face? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I NEED A PICTURE OF THE BABY’S FACE!!!!!
5. That the sound of a doorbell ringing might one day drive me to drink.
6. That I wouldn’t mind spending a few hours everyday driving all over the world for hospital visits, dinner orders, and errands as long as I got to smell the baby once a day.
7. That fifty percent of our visits would involve rearranging furniture.
8. How much I love electricity, sport utility vehicles, formula, cameras, diet coke, television, pain medicine, take out, and down pillows and how I can’t believe anyone ever lived without them. Also, how much the people who invented alarm clocks, doorbells, in laws, hospital gowns, one size fits all baby clothes, and tiny doorways that you can’t fit reasonably sized furniture through should be shot in the face.
9. That the sight of curly little baby toes might actually render me speechless.
10. How happy people would be to sit around in large groups and discuss poo. I am now the foremost expert on poo and poo culture.
And now, your baby of zen!