I want to talk about a topic tonight that I fear will be a source of tremendous controversy. I know the best and worst thing about the internet is how it provides such a public platform for people to express opinions that under normal circumstances would prove unpopular at best, but in this case I think it’s important to speak out. So, here we go…I love sushi. There, I’ve said it. I won’t lie, there was a time when the thought of eating raw fish made me all twitchy inside, but frankly, I didn’t know what I was missing. Of course, no matter how happy I am with the outcome of my reformation, there are still people out there who would recoil at the idea of allowing raw sea-life into their digestive tracts to swim about willy nilly and these are the people who will violently reject this post, hunt me down, and scratch me behind the ears* like the dog that I am. To those people I say FOOEY! Also, oopsy daisies, twenty-three skidoo**, and a bunch of other old-timey rigamarole**. Either they’ve never tried it or they’ve only tried the bad stuff. When sushi is done right it’s not mushy or fishy or moving. It’s ethereal and light. It’s what angels eat to stay buoyant. You know, after they’ve sat in front of the TV watching American Idol and eating cheesecake filling out of a tub with a spoon***.
If there is anything to be unhappy about in the sushi world, it should be the travesty of crappy sushi places peddling their crappy wares in crappy strip malls full of crappy crappiness. When you do find that perfect place that’s perfectly perfect in it’s perfectude, though, it’s basically nirvana. Not that you could ever convince someone that doesn’t like or refuses to try sushi of that – people can be remarkably stubborn at times – but you know, their loss and what not. Meanwhile, the point of all of this is it was finally sushi night again in the Monkee household and I couldn’t have been happier if I had just won a billion dollars, quit my job, and gotten an opportunity to throw darts at Ann Coulter****. Well, actually that’s a total lie, but it was very yummy. The problem we have is sushi – good sushi –- is expensive and thus we only get it once every few weeks. So now, of course, I’m left with that crushing feeling you get when you’re ten and it’s the day after Christmas and you suddenly realize that you’re going to have to wait three hundred and sixty four days before you get another chance to wake your parents up by bouncing on their bed, at least without being maimed in the process. I could just cry; I’m so stinking sad. On the other hand, as a consolation prize, I could just drive over to my parents’ house right now, sneak in, and wake them up by bouncing on their bed – they’re probably too old to get a good maiming going anyway.
* Censored for violent content.
** Dude, these are real words!
*** While I have no doubt that it’s the best product EVER, do they really expect us to believe that angels can actually sit around eating this stuff on a regular basis? Their wings would have to be going like a hummingbird to stay afloat.
**** You know that lady that beats up on 9/11 widows. Maybe she’d like someone to pin down an orphan so she could take a couple of whacks while she’s at it.